I guess it has been a while

I have been a little preoccupied lately. Wrapped up in a cloud of depression and anxiety, trying very hard to function day to day, but also having a full and fun summer. Opposition. I have felt a lot of that. The best of times and the worst of times. This summer has definitely been an adventure. I am scared. I have opened myself up more than ever and feel a bit vulnerable. I try to push myself a little more each day then ten steps back. But in a way it is freeing. I am just not there yet, or completely. 

Yesterday I went to the funeral of one of my old neighborhood moms, as my brother put it. I hadn't seen her for a year or so. She had battled with cancer for a long time. She amazes me. I couldn't quite make it to the viewing. Too many people and my psyche was definitely not up for it. I didn't get a chance to hug my old friends and neighbors but the funeral was beautiful. I may regret that decision later. But I did set aside my anxieties for a minute and say hello to some others and even my old brothers. At least that is how I view them, as my brothers. My brother Sam was pretty blessed with a great group of childhood friends. They became my brothers. And in a way, I miss them. I miss my childhood. I find myself always trying to run away from it. Keeping it just out of reach. But yesterday I realize how blessed I had been. I had some great friends and great neighbors. I know I push people away. I don't let people get close. It hurts. Both ways it hurts. I think I am a little overprotective of this little heart of mine. And in a way I miss out on people and life. I just don't know how to not be afraid, but I am working on it. And someday I hope to not have regrets.