Thursday, March 7, 2013


Tuesday was a really great day, really, really. It is so amazing how simple things can make me so happy. I was able to walk Benji to and from school, which is about .9 miles each way times 4, so 3.6 miles. I'm not sure if I would have been able to do that a few months ago. Later that night I went to a church function called the Relief Society birthday dinner. It was so nice to get out and talk to women. I have been seriously needing an out for a few weeks now and I am thankful to the awesome ladies at my table. I even got to hold a cute little girl while her mom ate. It was heavenly. I love my boys to pieces. They are my very favorite but I so desperately feel like I need a girl. We got to talking about it at the dinner table if I am going to have any more. I really feel like I need to work on me just a little longer. Get my health under control. And for the first time in 3 years I don't feel bad about it. I actually tried clomid again a few months ago without any success obviously and for very good reason. I gained 10 pounds which thankfully has come off so easily this time. I know I need to lose 35-40 more before I think things will work out. I miss having bread every once in a while. Hamburgers aren't the same without it. No more chicken noodle soup is sort of sad, but for the way I have been feeling this last month I wouldn't give it up for anything. I still have a ways to go. I believe things will work out and eventually I will be able to have more kids, and I am pretty sure they are going to be more boys even though I would love a little girl too. I know that these last 5 years of struggle and trials have been a catalyst for this moment in time. I needed those bad years,  I needed to be thankful for the little things like walking my kid to school, appreciating even having two amazing boys, enjoying the really good days, savoring my last bites of bread. ;0) Life is amazing and while once in a while I wish things were different especially when friends and family have had a set or two of kids already. I know my time will come when the time is right. Most days are not hard, but every now and then sadness creeps in. The Lord has been mindful of me and my struggles, I'm not sure I could have handled much more, especially the demands of a little baby. I haven't been able to be the mom I wanted to my boys these last few years. I know they will grow up to be okay though. Our Heavenly Father makes up the difference. We can only do our best and for the last few years my best was pitiful but I tried and I know that it has been enough. Boy I got off on a tangent. Anyway by the end of the day I even played an hour of basketball. Amazing. Thank you body for functioning, for keeping me moving. For not completely puttering out on me. And thanks to the hope of the future a life filled with happiness and even sorrows to more fully appreciate the good because there really is so much good.