Tuesday, January 3, 2017
Happy New Year. I have been meaning to write for awhile now, but it has become impossible on my phone and pulling out the big computer seems like work. I have been trying to do as little of that as possible lately. We had a wonderful Christmas. I didn't really get the spirit of it until the day after and the whole week spent with my family hibernating was just what the doctor ordered. We spent most of the time watching movies and putting puzzles together. Nothing glamorous for us Coxes. I love the simple life. I have been craving it for awhile. I have been suffering with depression for the past 6 months or so. I kept hoping it would go away like it usually does. Stays for a short while then moves on. Not this time. This time it has planted itself in my life and decided to stay awhile. Things are getting better and that week of doing nothing but vegging sure helped. Sometimes I am thankful I have a job, a reason to get up and get out of bed, yet at the same time it has been utter agony to get up and put on a happy face and commune with the world. If I haven't been a good friend, sister, daughter, etc. it is nothing to do with you and everything to do with just trying to make it day to day, hour to hour. Sorry if I offended or weren't able to give. Give of myself, give of my energy to those around me. I have been in survival mode. And probably taking more than giving. I hate that life has come to that. I am a giver by nature. But through the darkness I have been so thankful to the friends and family who have kept me happy, given me light when all seemed kinda dark. I am truly blessed. I have learned I am not alone. That God watches out for us by giving us amazing support groups. Sometimes we have to travel through the dark in order to more fully appreciate the light. The light is beautiful my friends. It is warm and friendly, sustaining and revitalizing. The Lord truly has blessed me with eyes to see how truly wonderful you all are. Thank you. Here is to a wonderful new year, full of possibilities and new beginnings.
Sunday, October 2, 2016
Well I am back at work. Not sure if I like it. First week was hard, second week got a little better. We'll see what this week brings. I am just not sure it is worth it. Mostly because nothing...and I mean nothing else gets done. My house is usually a mess. Dave has been tremendous helping out where possible the boys have slacked off, mostly due to I am so tired I can't enforce like I used to. I guess we need to find a new groove that works for all of us, just haven't yet. Plus my calling which isn't horrible it is just brain consuming. The women in my ward are always on my mind. Wondering if I am reaching out enough and making sure everyone knows they are loved. Plus all the energy I expand in doing so. I am naturally a shy and reserved person so being gregarious and friendly has been fun but zaps my energy stores. Thankfully the Lord has a way of keeping me sane. I just really need to go to the temple more. Again need to carve out a space for that. My crazy not so crazy busy life.
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
Yesterday I made a great sacrifice. It wasn't easy, sacrifice never is. I had to let go of something that I really wanted for the greater good of my family and in the process I feel kind of sad about it. I have become a little bit spoiled. Want, want, want. Everyone has his fair share, etc. Well it was hard to let go of my fair share and let Dave have his pick...again. In the long run I will be able to have what I want again, but in the meantime it is hard. And sometimes life isn't fair but I am hoping the adage sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven rings true for me and my family. Because that is what I am clinging to right now. That in the long run this sacrifice will allow us to eliminate our debt and bring us greatest happiness.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
This year I didn't plant a garden. I didn't have the time or frankly the energy to do so. I have missed it in a way, but I am so thankful for these cute little peaches my tree provided for me. Small, because I didn't thin them out or water the tree since I didn't put in a garden I didn't put in a drip line, but these peaches have the best taste they have ever produced. Maybe because it didn't have to fight with zucchini and lettuce or cabbages or leeks for all the yummy nutrients. I am also thankful for raspberry bushes. Haven't kicked out the big guns yet, but they are coming and also for all those bees I see swarming the buds. Life has been kind to me even though I don't deserve it. I am truly grateful for these trees and plants.
Monday, August 15, 2016
The journey of a thousand steps begins with the first mile. I know that isn't the right way, but sometimes when my brain screws things up like that it makes total sense to me. Sometimes that first step feels like a mile. It's not just a little step. Especially when I don't feel well that single step may as well be a mile. But the cool thing is God helps you...if you ask. He leads you to tools and makes things possible. I just happened upon a new app yesterday. Running for weight loss. I started it today. So far so good. My body hurts everywhere. Even before I started. I sometimes get this achiness in my muscles for no reason, well I am sure there is a reason I just don't want to go find out. I usually just deal. I am hoping this will help me. It was challenging but not so much that I want to lay in bed the rest of the day. Yeah, that's the other thing I deal with lack of energy. Some days I have a ton, feel like I can conquer the world. Others I have a little. Most days lately though I have absolutely none. Start at rock bottom and pretty much stay there the whole day. It isn't easy. Most days I push myself anyway. Dave have me a blessing once and I have tried to have the faith that it is true, if I will put forth a little effort the Lord will magnify my energy for me so I am able to do those things I desire. So far it has been true. Only thing is exercising that faith, especially when you feel terrible most days. I am thankful for that blessing. I am also thankful for my family.
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
I have been a little preoccupied lately. Wrapped up in a cloud of depression and anxiety, trying very hard to function day to day, but also having a full and fun summer. Opposition. I have felt a lot of that. The best of times and the worst of times. This summer has definitely been an adventure. I am scared. I have opened myself up more than ever and feel a bit vulnerable. I try to push myself a little more each day then ten steps back. But in a way it is freeing. I am just not there yet, or completely.
Yesterday I went to the funeral of one of my old neighborhood moms, as my brother put it. I hadn't seen her for a year or so. She had battled with cancer for a long time. She amazes me. I couldn't quite make it to the viewing. Too many people and my psyche was definitely not up for it. I didn't get a chance to hug my old friends and neighbors but the funeral was beautiful. I may regret that decision later. But I did set aside my anxieties for a minute and say hello to some others and even my old brothers. At least that is how I view them, as my brothers. My brother Sam was pretty blessed with a great group of childhood friends. They became my brothers. And in a way, I miss them. I miss my childhood. I find myself always trying to run away from it. Keeping it just out of reach. But yesterday I realize how blessed I had been. I had some great friends and great neighbors. I know I push people away. I don't let people get close. It hurts. Both ways it hurts. I think I am a little overprotective of this little heart of mine. And in a way I miss out on people and life. I just don't know how to not be afraid, but I am working on it. And someday I hope to not have regrets.
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Yesterday I was able to go work with my dad up in Logan. I sure like hanging out with him. Neither one of us says much, but sometimes just being together is enough. The highlight was stopping at Marie Calendars for pie. I remember going every time there was pie month and buying several pies. Our favorite of course is fresh strawberry. So good. Too bad it isn't one that is on sale, but so worth it for the good food and memories. Thanks dad for a great day. I sure love you.