Friday, January 25, 2019

Maybe it won’t matter

I have had a recurring thought running through my head for several years now and in light of the recent New York abortion laws I decided to finally write them out. I am a nobody as far as the world is concerned and maybe my words don’t matter to a lot of people but I feel compelled to finally write the words that have been circling in my head for years. I never really had an opinion one way or another on abortion. I honestly didn’t really think much about it. But about 9 years ago I finally found  my reason against it. Here I was a mother of two boys. I had been pregnant 4 times. It’s easy to get pregnant. I mean how hard could it be...I did it 4 times already. But then I couldn’t. I couldn’t get pregnant anymore. My dreams of having a bigger family, of having a girl, not that I don’t adore my boys, were gone. I couldn’t make happen what so many others consider to be easy, no big deal. Then I began to see what a big deal it truly is. Creating life is a miracle. A God-like ability to give life to a cell that multiplies and divides and separates and creates eyes and ears and fingers and toes and a smile that can melt your heart. Maybe the problem with abortion laws is that women don’t understand the magnitude of the power they have. Maybe their scared. I know I was.  Maybe they take for granted something that comes so naturally to them they think they have infinite chances and possibilities. While many of us who never have or who no longer can create life long so desperately long to do the thing that so many are willing to destroy and kill. It is horrible and senseless to think we are just destroying a bunch of cells that don’t mean anything, they mean everything. We all came from the same process. We all grew inside our mother’s wombs. We were all given a chance to live. We owe that same obligation to anything we create whether by mistake or on purpose.  Life is a beautiful, fragile thing. Something I was guilty of not seeing clearly. But now that I do I feel I must be a voice. Life is precious. It’s the hardest job I have ever had to be a mother. There are days I wonder what a I have done. But the love of a child especially a sweet mama’s boy or two is worth all the pain and anguish and destruction of property and deterioration of my body and whatever challenges I face next because you have someone you love more than anything, even yourself. I am just one voice I know that what I say probably won’t be heard but I can’t be silent. Even if my voice compared to the world is nothing but a whisper.

Friday, June 9, 2017

To the lady who dropped her blueberries

To say I have been battling some demons is an understatement. Life is hard sometimes and I tend to get a little too much inside my head. I have a hard time seeing anyone else when I get like this. I have been suffering with a little depression and a lot of anxiety so when I pushed my cart around the corner and saw the woman on the floor picking up her spilled blueberries I quite literally panicked. Which is completely crazy. Normally I wouldn't have thought anything of it.  I had this internal debate in my head about whether or not to help her and by the time I probably would have helped there was only a few berries left so I left her sitting there continuing to pick them up even though I now feel horrible about not doing anything. Why couldn't I drop down and help her? I really am sorry. If you see me and I don't reply or respond or have my usual cheerful disposition it isn't personal. I am just struggling. Struggling to get out of this continuous loop of anxiety. I have battled social anxiety for years and I had it almost under control and now it has reared it ugly head again. And I think I am on burn out so it is much worse than normal. I am fried. I just need some time. Time to heal. Time to just be alone for awhile. So if I don't say hi really it isn't personal. I am just trying to survive the only way I know how. I probably need some medicine too but I am afraid to try. Hahaha! Anxiety. So fun!

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Tender Heart

I have a tender heart today. Easter is always a special day. A day to remember what my Savior has done for me. Today we had a lesson on Jesus Christ and the teacher asked a question that really got me thinking and changing my perspective of things. I have had a rough week. But I am always amazed at the spirit I can still feel even when I may not be doing things I should. He never gives up on me. Well today I was thinking about how do I know Christ? How was it that I came to believe not only in Him but believe Him? Believe that He is going to do everything He has promised. I have been blessed with some experiences. At 15 I gained a sure witness of my Father in Heaven. I know we have a Father who loves us. I know we are his children. I am His daughter. I knew about Christ, but it wasn't until my early 20's that I felt like I absolutely needed Him and even though I didn't feel I deserved forgiveness and the healing power He sent me that I began to truly know Christ as my Savior, Redeemer and Friend. He lives. He loves me. I fall short everyday. Some days I feel like giving in before it has even begun. I have tested and rebelled and felt loved. I sin. I feel love and a gentle reprove that although I have sinned I can do and be better and that He will be there to help me. I have felt His forgiveness. I know. I just know. And I am always so thankful for these reminders. For these questions. For the spirit. Happy Easter! He lives, what joy.

Friday, March 31, 2017


Every once in awhile my kids surprise me. Yesterday it happened to be James. He is a sweet boy but can also be very selfish. Well I haven't been feeling great so I told James if he didn't have a birthday party I would give him some money instead. I know I am a terrible mother. Well I bought him some shoes and then I picked up $40 yesterday. He really wanted a $50 bill but they didn't have any at that particular ATM. Well he wasn't happy but I said he could have $0 if he wanted. He decided $40 was okay. Next we went to Dunford bakers because he really wanted donuts. I let him pick out 2 dozen of whatever he wanted. When we got to the register to pay he asked if he could buy them with the money I just gave him. I said sure. The boy at the register was like did you just let him buy those? I didn't want to hurt James by saying no. I mean this was one of the most selfless things he had done in a quite a while. When we got outside he told me he wanted to pay for the donuts so I wouldn't have to worry about money. My heart melted a little. Okay... maybe a lot. That boy surprises me sometimes. Beneath the surface lies a caring and sweet boy. I am thankful for him and the lesson he taught me yesterday. I mean it was his birthday and he had every right to be selfish that day. I can't count how many times I am selfish especially on my birthday. It isn't about what you get but what you can give and especially making someone else happy. I love that little boy all over and more today.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

HAPPY new year.

Happy New Year. I have been meaning to write for awhile now, but it has become impossible on my phone and pulling out the big computer seems like work. I have been trying to do as little of that as possible lately. We had a wonderful Christmas. I didn't really get the spirit of it until the day after and the whole week spent with my family hibernating was just what the doctor ordered. We spent most of the time watching movies and putting puzzles together. Nothing glamorous for us Coxes. I love the simple life. I have been craving it for awhile. I have been suffering with depression for the past 6 months or so. I kept hoping it would go away like it usually does. Stays for a short while then moves on. Not this time. This time it has planted itself in my life and decided to stay awhile. Things are getting better and that week of doing nothing but vegging sure helped. Sometimes I am thankful I have a job, a reason to get up and get out of bed, yet at the same time it has been utter agony to get up and put on a happy face and commune with the world. If I haven't been a good friend, sister, daughter, etc. it is nothing to do with you and everything to do with just trying to make it day to day, hour to hour. Sorry if I offended or weren't able to give. Give of myself, give of my energy to those around me. I have been in survival mode. And probably taking more than giving. I hate that life has come to that. I am a giver by nature. But through the darkness I have been so thankful to the friends and family who have kept me happy, given me light when all seemed kinda dark. I am truly blessed. I have learned I am not alone. That God watches out for us by giving us amazing support groups. Sometimes we have to travel through the dark in order to more fully appreciate the light. The light is beautiful my friends. It is warm and friendly, sustaining and revitalizing. The Lord truly has blessed me with eyes to see how truly wonderful you all are. Thank you. Here is to a wonderful new year, full of possibilities and new beginnings.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Busy, busy, busy

Well I am back at work. Not sure if I like it. First week was hard, second week got a little better. We'll see what this week brings. I am just not sure it is worth it. Mostly because nothing...and I mean nothing else gets done. My house is usually a mess. Dave has been tremendous helping out where possible the boys have slacked off, mostly due to I am so tired I can't enforce like I used to. I guess we need to find a new groove that works for all of us, just haven't yet. Plus my calling which isn't horrible it is just brain consuming. The women in my ward are always on my mind. Wondering if I am reaching out enough and making sure everyone knows they are loved. Plus all the energy I expand in doing so. I am naturally a shy and reserved person so being gregarious and friendly has been fun but zaps my energy stores. Thankfully the Lord has a way of keeping me sane. I just really need to go to the temple more. Again need to carve out a space for that. My crazy not so crazy busy life. 

Wednesday, August 31, 2016


Yesterday I made a great sacrifice. It wasn't easy, sacrifice never is. I had to let go of something that I really wanted for the greater good of my family and in the process I feel kind of sad about it. I have become a little bit spoiled. Want, want, want. Everyone has his fair share, etc. Well it was hard to let go of my fair share and let Dave have his pick...again. In the long run I will be able to have what I want again, but in the meantime it is hard. And sometimes life isn't fair but I am hoping the adage sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven rings true for me and my family. Because that is what I am clinging to right now. That in the long run this sacrifice will allow us to eliminate our debt and bring us greatest happiness.