Today has been a rough day for me and it ended about the same way it began. I was watching tv tonight trying to tune out the sadness and what pops up but a target commercial full of babies and the song if you're happy and you know it clap your hands. I burst into tears. I was definitely not happy and I knew it. I want a baby, and that commercial really hit me hard tonight. When I was putting my boys to bed I had to apologize for not being myself today. Benj asked what was wrong and I told him I didn't feel that good and that I am a little sad. He asked if it was because daddy is gone. I told him I'm sad that daddy is gone and grandma and that I wish I could have more babies. He asked if I should pray about it. Again tears as I told him that was a really good idea. I love that boy of mine. I then said a prayer full of more tears and after I was done I open my eyes to my teary eyed sweet boy. He told me that was a really good prayer. I am so thankful to my Father in Heaven for the best boys on the planet. I can't believe the growth and change that has occurred in both of them but especially Ben. As he nears the age of accountability I can't help but see this indescribable change come over him. He is ready for the mantle of responsibility. He is such a joy and blessing in my life. Even if I am unable to have any more kids I consider myself truly blessed and that is something I can clap about.