So I have been meaning to write this blog for a long time, but I guess pride or not wanting to look weak has prevented me from doing so, also I don't want people to feel sorry for me or whatever, but I felt like I should write this in case anyone else is feeling the way I do, that they'll know they're not alone. I just want everyone to know that my life is not perfect, I don't have a perfect family, my kids aren't perfect and my husband is definitely not perfect, and there are a lot of times that I am on the verge of a breakdown. This past month has been very difficult for me. Having an extra person demanding my time and attention and not getting nearly enough sleep has taken its toll on me physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. I really wasn't sure I wanted another kid, but I'm happy to have James despite the difficulty. I have had postpartum depression and I think I'm in the midst of it now. I've been trying to fill my time and attention with things so I don't have to deal with anything. It seemed really cool to people that I could paint my house, but in all honesty I had to do it for my own sanity. I needed something to occupy my time and give me a little boost of happiness. I have been on antidepressants before, but I felt like it made things worse not better so I'm trying to ride this time out. There are days where I just break down and cry for no reason, or for really stupid reasons. I have been angry a lot and there are other times where I just want to run away from my kids and husband. I have wanted to just quit, not kill myself or anything, but just run away to the circus or something. There are many days where I have just about had enough of everyone and everything. The thing is though, I know it is for a moment. This is just a horrible moment in the book of my life. I can live and be because I've done this before and I made it through. Plus this time I have taken the time to just stop and look at what is around me. The times when Benji needs me and I might have blown him off before because I was too busy doing something else, I have taken the time to stop and just be, for him. I spend more time holding James than I ever did with Benji. Not because I didn't love Benji, but that I couldn't. I can't be there for a lot of people, just so you know if I flake out on you. For me constantly staying busy keeps my mind off of whatever it is I'm trying to avoid, but this time, I have tried to relax and enjoy my kids, even though it is hard for me. I don't really have all the answers and I know that life is hard, believe me, but I know this is a moment. I've been trying to eat better and exercise, that's been helping. Soon I'll be able to sleep through the night, and quicker than I know I'll be able to see Benji & James running around together and taking more care of themselves, being more independent. I know there are people out there who have no troubles and I am so happy for you, in all honesty, but for those of you who struggle like I do, know you are not alone and if you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to I'm here.
Heidi