Friday, July 29, 2011

I hate to even say this...

Today I went to lunch with my family. Mom, Dad, Sam, Chuck and Eliza. It was a really neat experience being together. I'm just not sure if we've done that in a while. Afterward we went to peek in on Lucy. She is such a special girl. I hardly know her, but I love her so much. I want to see her grow up, I want her around to swap stories and just run and have fun with her. I want her to be around longer than I will be. I have been struggling so desperately to pray and figure out the end from the beginning, Sometimes I wish I was omniscient. Sometimes. But we can't see everything. But today and this is the part I hate to say but today when I saw her sleeping and her little body and heart struggling to breathe and beat, I had the impression that as badly as I want her here as badly as we think we need her here that maybe the merciful thing to do would be for her to return to her Heavenly Father free from pain and anguish and the difficulties of this world. I am not saying that is what is going to happen to her, I hope and pray it doesn't if it is God's will, but if she does I couldn't help but be happy for her. She is an amazing little fighter. I can't believe the hardships she has had to endure in her one year of life. I really pray she gets to stick around and that one day she'll love me as much as I love her. I love you Lucy and I really only want what is best for you not what your selfish aunt Heidi wants. (Hopefully they end up being the same thing)