Sunday, March 4, 2012

When is enough, enough?

I sort of feel like a Debbie Downer lately. I have become increasingly less optimistic about my future and what I want for myself. I have all these hopes and dreams of doing amazing things with my mind and body but somehow in the last few weeks I feel a greater sense of maybe this is as good as it's gonna get and that is sort of disheartening to me. It can take up to 6 months before my hormones are regulated (if that's even a possibility, see what I mean?) and in the meantime I wonder why can't you just fix yourself? Why can't you be this miracle I have been waiting 4 years for? How long is it going to take? My baby is going to be 4 at the end of this month and looking back on those years all I see is a lot of laying around doing not much, hoping for a different outcome, still getting the same results and feeling more and more like how much more can I do for me? So what's it gonna be? More of the same but being okay with it or keep fighting and hope someday I find the thing or combination of things that finally cures what has been ailing me? By nature I am an absolute quitter. I only give until a certain point and then I give up, am I finally supposed to get the message to keep fighting or am I losing a losing battle? But then a good friend of mine said something to me today about having to bear our own crosses as our Savior has. Life is not meant to be easy, life is not a walk in the park life is full of deep downs and dark places. But even through all the agony and despair and hopelessness I find such beautiful moments of clarity and joy where I know angels are bearing me up, are helping me raise my kids on the days where I barely have enough energy to get out of bed. Where my boys shine in my eyes even though I have no idea where their inner brilliance comes from, but they give me so much and buoy me up so much. Where my husband has become a miracle man. The man has problems he has to deal with on his own and I try so hard to be strong for him and ease his burdens and yet he does the laundry and dishes and plays so amazingly well with the boys and I have to wonder how lucky can this girl be and how sorry I can't be strong for him, but for him what I can do is enough. So I guess this girl is going to keep dreaming with her head in the clouds but never forget to keep her feet on the ground and continue traveling up what may be the sheer cliff face portion of my mountain. I am just so thankful for this horrible time in my life, I can see the beauty in it, the blessings, even though it's not my favorite it is becoming my most memorable growing time. This too shall pass, whether in this life or the next I know there is a happy ending for me at the top of this mountain.