Saturday, October 20, 2012

Who am I?

I have been meaning to write this post several times over the last few months, but never quite get there. But this week I was talking to my mom about it and it stirred the desire in me to attempt it one more time. Growing up I was a strong and confident girl my mom would probably say I was stubborn. I knew who I was, what I wanted out of life and that continued with me for a very long time. Ten years or so ago I met a boy. A boy who promised me forever. I fell in love, although now I wonder if it was just desperation. I didn't really realize what happened until very recently but that boy slowly broke and chipped away who I thought I was for someone he wanted me to be. I lost my confidence, I lost myself trying to please this person and in the end I still wasn't what he wanted (and thank heaven for that). So I probably should have realized this a long time ago and for years I have been quietly praying for something, for that inner strength I remember having. I have been craving for years. It has taken me 8eight plus years with the unconditional love and support of the most amazing man I know to finally see this inner light I had hidden so long ago. And I know without any doubt that he is who I needed to help me. Looking back I see where I craved attention of any kind from anyone because I was empty. I needed someone to tell me who I was again. And I am so blessed that Dave never did. He has loved me for me. Never asking for me to be anything other than who I wanted to be. And I know it is no coincidence that I was placed in the Young Women's group in my church. In a way I have been praying for it for the last three years, not specifically but deep down I have been praying for my confidence of youth. My undeniable surety of God, of myself, of the role I play in this grand scheme. So now that I finally found the root of the problem and have healed sufficiently I can begin to find myself again a new self. One of confidence, of divine identity and I am excited by the prospect of the journey. I have been a shell of my former self too long. And I am excited to be who I was made to be, His daughter. Watch out I am coming back.