Friday, September 6, 2013

I thought I was going to die

I am sure you are sick of hearing the woes of my thyroid disorder. If so, don't read this post...move along. I woke up the other night in such excruciating pain. I really thought I was going to die. My kidneys were on red alert and my whole body was aching so bad I couldn't even move, I didn't even have the energy to wake Dave up. I have to admit I have been in a really bad place lately. Depressed, anxious, happy, sad, crazy emotions all over the place. And the only thing I do to solve this problem is to consume large quantities of sugar. Is it healthy? No. Do I care? Well when you feel depressed, no. You are just trying to stuff those emotions down really deep or trying to escape by an endless sugar high. But eventually it all catches up with you and it certainly has in a really big way. The only thing I could do is pray. And I did and eventually I woke up sometime in the morning still here and still alive. And you would think that I would have stopped eating sugar from that very hour but sometimes I have to learn the hard way. I consumed sugar most of the next day. I wasn't quite at the point of giving up my addiction. That's sort of what it has become. I am weak when it comes to sugar. I am a sugar addict. And while it may seem funny to admit it's no laughing matter. For some people it's drugs, or alcohol, or food, or shopping, or pornography, or whatever, my vice is sugar. I can't just have a little bit and be okay. I consume until one of two things happen, I make myself sick or I run out of candy. It's sad. I live a sad existence. But now back to my problem. The thing with my thyroid disorder and I am sure any disorder is dealing with the constant inflammation. And for me sugar and gluten are my biggest causes. It wasn't too bad giving up gluten but I am having a terrible time with the sugar. And here I am again at the crossroads for the 10,000th time. My body is screaming at me to stop. My knuckles hurt, I'll probably get arthritis in them if I don't stop. My teeth were at the point of aching. And last night playing volleyball my hip popped out of joint and back in but now the muscles hurt like the dickens. I am only 33 and the last few weeks I have felt really old. I'm not who I want to be. And I can't do it on my own. My weakness is too strong for me to overcome on my own. That is where the atonement comes in. It's not just for repentance. It is to help us heal from our infirmities and overcome our weaknesses. Our Savior felt this weakness and addiction I am facing. He knows how much I am struggling right now just to cope. He knows I can't do it on my own because He has seen me try and fail, and try and fail and try....and fail. He is just waiting for me to ask and ask again and keep asking until we both figure this thing out together. I have to do my part so He can do His. I can tell you it's not going to be an easy road. Addiction never is. But with the help of my Savior and hitting an even deeper rock bottom I think I can get a lot farther out of the pit I have dug for myself, if not all the way. I may have setbacks along the way, but someday eventually this will get easier and the better I feel the more I'll want to stay away. I am ready for the good fight.