Wednesday, February 5, 2014


I have been thinking about this post for a while now. I'm still not sure what is going to come out, but I hope it makes sense. I have been struggling, for a while now. I thought that when things got to be a certain way that things would be easier or that I would be happier. You know those things you tell yourself. If only this happened then I would be happy. Well one of mine was if I lost weight I would finally be happy with myself and things would magically be better and I wouldn't be plagued with insecurities and doubt. Well guess what, all those problems I had before are still there, all those doubts...yeah, still there. And guess what else....I got a whole bunch of new problems to deal with. See the thing about me is I was an emotional eater. Bury my problems in copious amounts of sugar and sugar related items. So now that you go off sugar, what the heck do you do with all these emotions and feelings? Well that's what I have been trying to figure out these last few months. I have been trying to bury my feelings in other ways and not necessarily good ways. I was burying myself in books and movies. I wanted to be anywhere else. I was fighting this awful war inside. And even months later I still don't have all the answers, I still struggle most days, but there are a few things I have found to help me cope a little easier with the inner turmoil I sometimes find myself in. First, I found prayer. Not just my normal kind, but deep, soul wrenching, getting on my knees and pouring out the anguish long buried deep inside under layers of doubt and self recrimination. I am still finding pockets. I think I have a long ways to go, but I am finding this kind of prayer very therapeutic. Second, I have been reading. Not the fluff I was reading before or the escape kinds of books, but books with meaning. Books that teach. Books that have me hunger for more knowledge, knowledge about the world, knowledge about where I fit in, knowledge about my Savior. I am also exercising again. I went to the doctor a month or two ago, he told me to exercise more so what did I do...quit. That's right I am stubborn and don't like people telling me what to do so I quit. A few weeks back though I got so fed up one day I went for a run, outside in the nice smoggy air and when I came back I was happy. The sunshine and the kick in the pants were what I needed and since then I have been steady about exercise. Next I found a happy place and try to go there once a week. I found a place, a bench actually that I love to sit on and the sun shines right in my face and the warmth encircles me and makes me really happy. I have also tried to lose myself in service if I can actually pull my head out of my own problems long enough to see others. I still don't have all the answers, but I do know that to be happy doesn't take some grand scheme or idea to come true, it takes love and perspective and opening yourself up to the possibility of happy-ness. You can be happy at any season of your life. "Men are that they might have joy." ....not sorrow. So what kind of stories are you telling yourself to hold you back from being happy? I'm pretty sure I have only scratched the surface of the lies that hold me back from true happiness.