Wednesday, January 15, 2014

I miss her

There is a story I want to tell, but I'm not sure if I can put into words all that has happened in the last week or so. I have had so many thoughts and impressions and I want to give them the light they deserve.

Friday or Saturday of last week I had a really strange discussion...with my dog. I have never really done this, but she had been acting a little off, not quite feeling like her normal self. So the thought entered my mind to talk to her. I layed down on the floor, looked her in the eyes and told her whenever she needed to go, she could go. I have been thinking about that conversation, still so weird to me that I would do that, so not normal, but looking back something my sweet Zoey girl needed to hear.

A few days later she took my advice. She had gone out at midnight on Monday morning never scratching at the door to come back in. Dave went out to look for her and she was crawled up in a ball under the hedges at the end of the sidewalk. He told me later it looked like she went out there to die. At 4 she woke me up to let her outside. But came back in. (I hadn't known she had gone out earlier with Dave) Monday morning Dave went to work only to return an hour later, he has been pretty sick with Bronchitis and an ear infection (which now I am so thankful for because he was home). Around 9 after I had dropped Benji off at school Zoey lay down next to Dave's side of the bed for the last time. I thought she was in a weird angle but didn't want to wake her up. James tried to wake her up, but she didn't stir. She was still breathing, but when I went to straighten her out she was limp and lifeless. Our sweet girl was gone, even though her body continued to breath and her heart still beat. I thought here we go, she is dying, she took my advise. I didn't think it would take very long. I kept praying for her release. She was suffering, moaning and whining, but still limp, like she was stuck between 2 worlds. I didn't have the heart to make the call. I have this weird thing about creatures. I can't kill them. I can't put out a mousetrap. I can't poison a mole. I have been praying those critters away, and so far my prayers have been answered, but in this a lesson needed to be learned. I had to make the call. I had to decide whether to allow the suffering of my dog and in this I learned a very valuable lesson. I caught a small glimpse into what our Father in Heaven has to deal with on a daily basis.

He loves us and all his creations. Even a sweet little dog like Zoey. He sees us down here living our life trying to make it through some very difficult challenges. But there comes a time when even the suffering of His children is too much to bear. He has to decide when to relieve their suffering. When to bring them back home to Him. And Monday that is the same choice I had to make, and let me tell you it wasn't easy and I don't imagine it is for Him either.

I think of Lucy. How hard that must have been for Him. Here is a sweet family who loves their daughter so completely and would do anything to keep her here, and did as far as I am concerned. But for a loving Father in Heaven to see her suffer and bear such enormous suffering I think there came a point when it was too much. And although He knew the heartache it would cause and the grief her family would endure, her suffering became too great. I know He wept at the decision. That He weeps still. He understands our pain and mourns with us.

I think of His Son. He sent Him here to suffer for our sins and afflictions. I think it was too much to bear, that He had to turn away because He couldn't do anything otherwise His plan would be ruined. His love for us is so complete.

In that moment when I had to choose to put Zoey down, and it had to be my decision I see that now, I caught that glimpse of what our Father goes through. He used this opportunity to show me things. I never would have imagined the lessons I could learn from having a pet die. It was a difficult lesson to learn. But I see more clearly the plan He has for each of us. I see how He wants us to be like Him and if we are worthy how we will be as He is.

It has been a rough couple of days. Benji has taken it the hardest, although he seems better this morning. James is a trooper. He has been really sweet about the whole thing making her things and setting them on her grave. He'll go outside and just sit by her grave. I think he just wants to be near her. Dave is so sweet and misses her. He was so good to my girl. Loved her immediately and wanted her with us always. I am missing my shadow. She was my girl, through and through, the lump on my lap, the ball under my feet, the tail that wagged, the kisses that loved, the barks that let me know she was mad I had been gone too long, my co-pilot in the car. I was always sort of mad at her sometimes because she never left me alone, but now that she is gone I miss her. I didn't realize how much she did for me. She served me to the end. I always thought I was the one taking care of her, but she was here for me. I love you Zoes, thanks for being my constant companion. You are loved and will be missed greatly.