Sunday, December 7, 2014

i don't want to do it

I have been having a rough couple of weeks and I really haven't wanted to share what has been going on in my world. For the girl who has spilled so much in the past I sure don't know why I am clamming up now. Several weeks ago maybe even a month I was doing well, nothing to worry about, except for that whole gallbladder incident everything has been pretty much doable. But then one night I had a dream, a dream of a little baby girl. All I really remember is the little baby and me saying she is perfect. Because somehow I worried she wouldn't be. So what is this dream supposed to mean? I know how desperately I have wanted to have more kids and I had resigned myself to the fact that we were done and then I go and dream about this precious little girl. It has thrown me for a major loop. And I went to Time Out For Women and several of the presenters talked about their infertility and I totally sympathized. It has not been easy when you feel such a desire to have more or even one and nothing is turning out the way you want it to. I have no say or choice in the matter. I've tried so hard to talk myself out of it. You know Heidi sometimes you can barely handle the two you have, so maybe it is best that you're done. Or the Lord knows what is best for you and He is probably saving your life. Then at church I was able to play with a couple of cute kids sitting next to me and it was fun and good and I thought maybe this is what I can do. But Thanksgiving came and I got to hold a sweet baby and coo at her and all I could think is I can do this. It's not so bad, Heavenly Father I am ready whenever you want to bless me with another child and I know it may not be in this world and if not please help me as I struggle. Please lessen the pain and heartache I feel. But then Tuesday I went to a Relief Society activity and I really don't begrudge what was said or done but the topic alone was enough to pierce my already broken heart. I really am happy for those women who can have babies. It is such a joy to me that people don't have to struggle. I know this too shall pass. But at the moment it is a bit raw. And although I have been avoiding this post for a while now, I think I needed to write it. God has bigger plans than even I am aware of. And if this helps one person it is worth it, even if that person is me.