Saturday, April 26, 2014

Confessions of a wallflower

I have been thinking of this post for awhile now, but on Sunday it really hit me. It isn't easy being inside my head. I am notorious for over analyzing and scrutinizing and reading too much into what people say or do or even what I say or do. Most of the time I spend not saying or doing anything because I don't want to be caught up in my head in a vicious cycle of playback and critiquing. It is kind of crazy in there. But something interesting happened on Sunday that I didn't realize until later, I didn't think about anything. I just went and conversed with people without analyzing or prepping myself or taking notes or mock playing it out in my head. It was so cool. And while I have no idea where that came from, well I have hunch, I loved every minute of it. I think a lot of it has come from God. He has begun to make my weakness strong. When I show forth a little bit of faith by doing something scary, he blesses me abundantly. Do I want to be a wallflower? No. It isn't even remotely fun. While I was in Texas a month ago we went to the reception for Dave's brother and sister-in-law when they got sealed in the temple, and I danced. I love to dance, I always have. When I was younger I wanted to be one of the fly girls on In Living Color. But the thing with being a wallflower is you want to be invisible. You want to hide in the corner and frankly go unnoticed. How fun is that? So what did I do? I had fun. I danced the night away and had a blast. It was scary at first, but I am beginning to't...matter. It doesn't matter if people judge you, it doesn't matter what people think of you, it...doesn't...matter. And I have truly begun to learn this lately. Why? Because for the first time in a long time I know God loves me. He loves me. I know it, I feel it. I see it, I can feel how proud he is of me, even when I fall, especially when I come crawling back to Him when I mess up, when I try to do those hard things I have been afraid of for so long. He has truly become my Father in all things, I am a daddy's girl through and through. I love my dads. The one I have been blessed to have here on earth my favorite guy, my father-in-law whom I have come to love and the one cheering me on from Heaven. I have also been blessed with many father figures, my neighbor whom I adore, my friend's dad who I need to visit, I miss him. I feel so blessed. And because of their love and support I am gaining the confidence I need to be who I am destined to be. That is how I have managed to make it through this past week. Because I know the negative thoughts in my head are lies. I have the confidence to distinguish the truth about who I really am. Am I still a wallflower, most definitely, but someday this wallflower will shine bright filled with light and love and power to do anything. And while it may take me a long time to reach my full potential I have the desire to be better and know that with God all things are possible.