Monday, May 12, 2014


Over the past several weeks and months and maybe even years I have been learning a lesson. It has been a very painful, emotional ride I have been on. I desperately wanted to get off many times because this lesson I am learning has definitely left a few casualties along the way, not intentional, but casualties nonetheless. And I am so sorry to those whom I have offended along the way. I am not great, I have a lot of pride and many sharp and rough edges that need to be hewn down. I am still being shaped and molded into something, but in the process it hurts sometimes because my will clashes with the will of the Master and it can become very painful and humbling. The question I keep asking is why? Why? Why? Why? I asked everyone. Why? Why am I the way I am? Why do I keep doing stupid things? Why can't I keep my mouth shut? Why do I keep crying? Why do I hurt the people I love? At the time I feel I am trying to help, to do good, but it only causes pain and damage, but I keep at it like an idiot. Why?  It has nothing to do with anyone else, it has everything to do with me. I am weak. I let pride get in the way, it wasn't until this morning while pouring out my heart to my Father in Heaven and my mom that something clicked. I have a lot to learn still. I have been humbled. I hope sufficiently, but my thoughts are I don't think I've figured it out completely yet. Lesson learning is hard. Especially when you hurt the ones you love most. I hope they will forgive me and be patient with me, but I fear the damage may be irreversible. I may have pushed one too many times. And I truly am sorry.