The moon pulled me outside last night. It was big and full and a little bit yellow. I haven't been outside for awhile. I have been a little tired lately. I sat there and there was a nice crispness in the air and the world has a white noise when you need to drown out your "in my head" noise. As I sat there it got a little bit colder, so I ran in and got a jacket and then went back outside. I laid out on the trampoline and looked up at the stars. I saw 4 satellites pass over me and for some reason it made me feel awfully small. But then it got even more cold. So I went in and got a blanket and another warm body. I'm not sure why I am telling this story, but it was the first time in a few days I have felt a measure of peace.
I said something the other day, that I guess Dave took the wrong way. something to the effect that he thought I regretted getting married or something, which is totally untrue and I'm not sure where that conclusion came from. I am who I am because of him. He has given me courage, and space to fly. He is my safe place when the world tries to tell me I am not good enough or smart enough or pretty enough. To Dave I have always been more than enough. He lets me be me and for a long time, that was something I was afraid to be. I had always wanted someone to love me and notice me. It didn't happen until I was 23 and even then I wasn't enough, so I tried to change who I was because I thought this was my only hope and really got lost. About a year later I met this boy online. Some creeper was trying to stalk me and I cried out for Dave to help me. He thankfully complied. He called me up and we had our first date May 1, 2004. When he came to pick me up I thought he was a door-to-door salesman. I wanted him to get lost. (People don't always look like their picture. :) ) So we went out and the first half of the date I was ready for him to take me home. He was sort of checked out. (Apparently he had had a date earlier in the day so his mind WAS elsewhere.) But we perservered, and continued on and somewhere during the night we found out we sort of liked each other, enough to go out again. Why not have a little fun. But by the third date I wasn't sure I wanted to waste my time anymore or his as much fun as it was. So I was getting off of work and going down to see him and frankly break up with him. I knocked on the door and this really handsome guy answered the door, someone who got my heart fluttering a bit, someone who had gotten a haircut and some nicer clothes on since I last saw him, someone who I decided I didn't really want to let go of after all. And that night on the edge of Utah Lake while his roommates were dancing around a bon fire we got engaged or at least that's what Dave thought and told his mother the next day. But it fit. I took the leap and each day it became more and more clear how much I loved this man, whom I thought I was ready to throw away. He was my best friend instantly. We were so comfortable with each other in spite of this great attraction growing between us. He and I have spent the last 10 years taking our broken wings and learning to fly. That Blackbird song has been in my mind the last few days, but for different reasons, but it fits here too. I am so thankful that although we are small and insignificant compared to the universe we live in we mean so much to the creator of it all. He knew I needed Dave, and He knew Dave needed me and that together we could do great things. And two of our greatest accomplishments call us mom and dad. I am so thankful for all my blessings but especially for the one who keeps me warm on a cold night out on the trampoline looking at the Moon and stars.