Sunday, February 8, 2015

There are too many titles

This may be lengthy. This past week was my birthday. So good. A few days later went to the temple, again, so good. Then Friday rolled around and we received a lot of bad news on a lot of different fronts. Which was okay, but caused a serious overload on my system. And during this overload I felt very weak, and lost and alone. I felt sacrifices were too great,  which made me feel spoiled, which made me feel horrible, some of the news was terribly sad and depressing, well all of it was depressing, which caused me to break down which combined with lack of sleep was terrible. Bad news tends to happen in 3's and I got them all on the same day. It was too much. I cried, and cried some more, and then I couldn't stop the crying, I think I have been bottling things for too long or something because the valve would not close. And in this weakness I could hear a scripture playing through my mind, over and over...."I will make weak things, strong." And the other one..."Sacrifice brings forth the blessings of Heaven." In all honesty I didn't want to hear those sayings. I didn't want to sacrifice what I wanted for so long, I didn't want to be weak and cry, which is funny because I cry all the time, I think it was what I was crying about, just being a big baby having a tantrum because I wasn't getting my way or maybe it was a dream sort of being shattered, a worldly dream, but a dream nonetheless. The thing is, what happened, in relation to the great scheme of the universe, doesn't matter, but what does matter is how we persevere, how we deal and overcome the challenges we face. I had my pity party believe me, but through prayer, through purging my soul, through trusting the Lord, and my husband all things will be okay and are okay. All things will be for my good. Will I get my dream? Probably not, but maybe it's time to think of a new dream. Dreaming of my mansion above, my treasure in Heaven, my family here on earth and those who await my return on the other side. It has been very hard to let go, but also very freeing. I needed that trial, I needed that push off the edge so I could fly and not be so weighed down with the things of the world.