Friday, April 3, 2015

Something is different

I didn't really realize what was happening until yesterday. I sort of caught a glimpse a week ago, but thought maybe it was short lived, but when it kept happening it began to capture my attention. Something is different. Something has changed and I like it a lot. I am different. I am happy and content on a deeper level. Not that everything is perfect, in fact in some respects things are harder. I guess there has to be an opposition in all things. I haven't always been a good mom. Truly. On the outward facade it may have looked like I had it all together, but there was something festering inside I couldn't shake. I have been angry and selfish and haven't wanted to help anyone. I didn't notice until yesterday really, that poison inside has dissipated. I have been happy to help my kids, most of the time. I feel like I am the mom I have been wanting to be on the inside for so long. And while I don't know what has caused this change entirely, I think that a lot has to do with things I am doing. First of all, I had to recognize I had a problem. I knew I was struggling, but it wasn't until I was clearly able to voice what was going on inside that I could begin to see exactly what kind of mess was inside. Then I asked for a blessing. Any problem I face I know I am probably going to need Grace, or heavenly help. I am weak. It's my nature, I know this, so I just get to the root as quickly as possible. Next I began to do things for myself. I have been exercising more regularly, sort of a walk/jog. I feel I have more energy to run and not get weary and walk and not faint. I really noticed that swimming. My breathing has changed. I could go longer distances in the water before taking a breath. I am by no means fast. Not sure I will ever be. Some people walk faster than I run. And that's okay. I have also been doing things to create an identity for me aside from my family. Everything I have done for the past 10 years has revolved around my family. If it didn't involve Dave or my kids or all of us I probably didn't do it. I would feel bad. Like I was neglecting them, but I needed and need a sense of my own self. And I didn't realize it until this week just how much. Last week I went for a drive. I really wanted to visit Lucy's grave. I didn't know how much I needed that. Then I went to lunch with my brother. This week I went to get a dirty coke with some friends after Young Women's. I felt terrible about leaving my boys and it was only 30 minutes. I felt guilty really. But that 30 minutes did something for me. I also went to lunch with my brothers and mom and nephew and had a great time. And all these things have added up. I am so much more content. I am a better mother, I am a better wife. I am able to give them what they need because I am still a person inside. I'm not just a mother and I am not just a wife, I am not just the maid, or cook, or chauffeur. I have added value back into my life. I am someone aside from my family. I love dirty cokes, I love Vietnamese food, I am a total kid at heart. I love life. I love nature. I love going to cemeteries and sitting and reflecting on loved ones, I love the peace I feel. I love going to the temple. I love buying a new shirt or dress or pair of pants or shoes and looking good. I love to dance, just crank the music and go for it. I love my home, my family, my Savior, my Heavenly Father. I love serving people. Finding their exact need and trying to fill it. There are so many things I love and I love figuring it out. And I do love my family. It isn't always easy being the only girl, but now I know what I need to do to take care of them. I just need to remember who I am and what I love and do it.