Sunday, May 29, 2016
I have been on a roller coaster ride lately. I am afraid this time it is one of my own making. I wish I could say it is someone else's fault, but I take full responsibility. I am not being who I am supposed to be. I am not doing those things which are the best. I have gone back on a promise to the Lord and thought it would be okay, but slowly over time it has eroded my spirit to the point that some of the light has gone out of my eyes. It wasn't until a dear friend asked me if I was okay a couple of weeks ago and that she was worried about me and could see some of the light was gone that I began to think. Began to seek answers, find my way back to Christ. I am by no means perfect. I struggle exceedingly. This past week though has taught me about the mercy God extends to all of us. Themes and ideas have been repeated over and over. I think He is trying to teach me a lesson and I hope I am open to the answers. I have a long road back. I think it is going to be hard and painful. It is never fun to learn that you aren't measuring up. That more is expected of you, but the cool thing about it is when you figure out where you went wrong, where you need to change, peace comes. God doesn't heap guilt on you, He buoys you up, He lifts your spirit making you believe you can do the enormous tasks He asks if you. He immediately sends light back into your life and the anxiety and depression flee. He doesn't make the problem go away, but He helps you find a way through the darkness that you have surrounded yourself with. Satan, and yes he and his powers are very real, would very much like you to stay miserable. Using every tactic he can to persuade you that you aren't worth it, or it is someone else's fault, or that what you're doing is okay, even though deep down that peace you so desperately are searching for can't be found. You are looking for answers in all the wrong places. Humility is key. Taking down the walls of pride and allowing Christ to show you your weaknesses. Oh man it is a bit painful, but so freeing. I am so thankful for the Atonement. Christ suffered for me. For these moments of weakness and stupidity, but like all these moments it is an opportunity to improve, to learn and to next time do better. I am so thankful for the opportunity to try. And I am so thankful for a dear friend who wasn't afraid to ask if I was okay, because obviously I wasn't, I just wasn't sure why, now I know.