Thursday, June 2, 2016
A friend asked me 2 weeks ago if I was okay. Of course the answer was no. I had been having this inner struggle and didn't think I could find a way out of it. The next thing she said really struck me and gave me pause. She said she was worried about me because she had noticed some of the light had gone out of my eyes. You think I would have been offended but in actuality it was the answer I had been looking for and didn't even know it. The root of my inner struggle was my own. The light of Christ in my life had diminished and in such an amount that my friend noticed. And the struggle I felt was a wrestle over the Holy Ghost trying to help me to understand what was going on and the demons I had let into my life by the things I was doing. I don't think I would have done anything about it at the time, but it happened to coincide with getting my temple recommend renewed. I didn't feel worthy. I looked back and remembered some promises I had made to God and saw that I hadn't been living up to my end of the deal and over time it had eroded my light and had brought this darkness into my life. I felt awful. I repented. I promised again to do those things I had promised before, to keep the Holy Ghost as my constant companion and to keep the light of Christ burning within. I also had Dave give me a blessing. God is good. I can't tell you how much He loves us. Everything Dave said in the blessing was reiterated several times over in the past week, through conversations and lessons and talks in church. It is amazing. I have a way to go before I am back to where I was and can continue to find my way to the light, but already I have so much peace. Peace. It feels so good. And although the experience was difficult it was such a wonderful learning experience . Something I can look back on. I have learned so much. And I am thankful for my Savior and His Atonement. And I am also thankful for my friend who was willing to say something. And I am so thankful for the sweet old lady at the temple yesterday that told me how beautiful I was and how the women whom I did work for were singing and praising me if I would just listen. I just had to give her a squeeze, it meant so much to me. Maybe the light is already coming back. I sure hope so. I have missed it.